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Night of the Crappy Subway Ride
The Blood, Sweat, Tears (and More Blood) of a Low Budget Horror Actor
Putnam County Film & Video Festival
Editing No Trespassing 2: No Exit
Diary of a Make Out Scene: An Actor's Perspective from No Trespassing 2
Star Wars and MeSince the Star Wars saga is over (at least in movie form . . .for now), I thought I’d share some Star Wars anecdotes and reveal the direct effect it has had on me and my acting career. If you haven’t seen the movies . . . what the fuck is wrong with you? Have you lived in a cave for the past 30 years? Anyway, there are spoilers ahead, so proceed with caution. Written not too long ago, in a galaxy relatively close by . . . Star Wars and Me As a child I grew up LOVING Star Wars. Like many kids my age (I was born in 1976), I owned a crapload of paraphernalia including action figures, toys, trading cards, read along books with the 33 1/3 RPM records inside them, clothes, drinking glasses etc. I also think the first movie I ever saw in a movie theater was The Empire Strikes Back (it was either that or Popeye with Robin Williams – my memory is as fuzzy as a freakin’ Wookie). I watched the original release of Return of the Jedi at a movie theater that contained ONE theater. There were no multiplexes back then. Imagine that? My family and I waited on a line that literally wrapped around the place. We even ate lunch on the line in order to get tickets. There were no advance ticket sales back then either. Once in the packed theater, the crowd roared when the opening crawl came up and yelled “SIT DOWN!” when someone had the nerve to stand up to let people squeeze down the aisle into an empty seat. I also remember screaming “Nooooo!” when the Emperor zapped Luke with Force lighting towards the end. The rumor, at least in my neighborhood (there was no Internet), was that Luke was going to die. When Vader saved Luke from the vile clutches of the evil Emperor, I, along with the rest of the audience let out a rock concert like cheer. Once VCRs became the “in” thing, I watched the original trilogy over and over and over to the point of memorization. And even though I was still very young, I wanted to bang Princess Leia. I was advanced as a youth. After Return of the Jedi, I still enjoyed Star Wars. However, as I got older, my interest waned a little due to Heavy Metal, new movies, football, lacrosse, alcohol, drugs and most importantly GIRLS! I still loved the movies, especially when my younger cousins saw them for the first time, but I never really “devoured” as I did when I was younger. Enter May 19, 1999 – release date of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. During the hype I was excited about seeing the movie but not completely hell-bent like a lot of other fans. I was still in college (my fifth year – hey, I transferred and changed my major so I lost a lot of credits - I was a good student who never failed a class so don’t rush to judgment dickwad!) preparing for a career as a record label executive and focusing most of my attention on getting drunk and trying to hook up with chicks. While I enjoyed interning at record labels for the past two years, there always seemed to be something missing. While in the multiplex, I was enjoying Episode I. My brother even turned to me during the first 45 minutes and said, “I can’t believe we are actually watching a new Star Wars movie.” I smiled and agreed that it was pretty cool. The lightsaber duel at the end along with composer John William’s “Duel of the Fates” were definitely my favorite parts. However, what comes next is a watershed moment in my life and I have never told anyone this. At the very end I saw young Anakin, played by Jake Lloyd, with a new haircut to signify the beginning of his Jedi training. Jokingly, I thought, “Wow he looks like me. Maybe I’ll play Anakin in the next movie.” After that thought zapped through my mind, something happened. I believe I had an epiphany. Try to follow this logic. My thought process morphed from, “Maybe I’ll play Anakin in the next movie” to “Maybe I should try to play Anakin in the next movie” to “I want to be an actor.” Now I know there was no chance for me to play Anakin. At 5’6 I am over a foot shorter than the actual height of Darth Vader. But looking at Jake Lloyd, a kid who looked like me was the trigger for a chain reaction that concluded with, “I want to be an actor.” For those who are new to reading my commentaries, articles and/or interviews, let me give you some background. I had acted sporadically as a child and as a teenager in some skits and movies for elementary/junior high/high school classes as well as many of my own home movies for years. I enjoyed acting immensely but never really thought of it as a career. At that time I convinced myself, “You can’t do anything like that – you don’t want to starve. Get a real job for God’s sake you schmuck.” And for years I listened to that stupid inner monologue. Until I saw Star Wars Episode I. And since Episode I I have, once again, become a really big Star Wars fan who buys most of the books, comics and scours the Internet for different interpretations on the saga. So “the circle is now complete.” I really need to get out more. So let’s review my thought process – Anakin looks like me – I can play the next Anakin – I should be an actor. This is how my mind works. Lucky me. In my life there aren’t too many instances that I can single out as being my “best day” to quote the movie City Slickers. I don’t think I have one. If I do, I don’t know what it is. Nothing stands out. While May 19, 1999 is not my best day, it does represent a turning point. My life has never been the same after that day. I had a new direction. A new purpose. Fuck working my ass off to promote the latest band. I want to work my ass off to promote ME! Star Wars follows a “Hero’s Journey” based on the writings of Joseph Campbell, a huge influence on George Lucas. While I am no hero, my “journey” has been full of many ups and downs filled with struggle like most of you. However, a goal is there. I am doing what I want to do. I am living by my rules (albeit with no money and time) and not the rules of some douche bag boss from a job that I can’t stand. Would I have had a similar epiphany if I didn’t go see Episode I? Probably. I’m pretty sure another situation would have spawned the exact same realization. But I like that a saga which represented so much that was good in an otherwise so-so childhood was the catalyst for this important change. The movies also stand for making a difference by actually doing something and not staying on that desert planet while the galaxy is in danger. I also find the whole Star Wars influence on my life somewhat poetic. My life’s direction has been triggered by a story that’s about a struggle against overwhelming odds filled with sacrifice (welcome to the acting world) that ultimately leads to success and victory. Hopefully all of our journeys end with a victory. Unless you’re a serial killer. In conclusion, I would be remiss not to write one legendary phrase to start all of you back on your own hero’s journey: Give me money. Come on, did you really think I’d be that clichéd to end this with May the Force Be With You? Oh wait, I just did. A Day in the LifeI have been asked by quite a few people what I have to do as an actor to find work. Two of those people (who kind of look like this – create your own captions and send them to mikelaneact@yahoo.com) pondered, “How can HE not have free time? What can he possibly be doing?” This commentary answers what I do during an average day. By an average day I mean a day without rehearsals, auditions, gigs, social outings etc. I constantly explain to people that acting and especially looking for acting gigs are full time jobs. So including my survival job, I work around two full time jobs. However looking for acting gigs doesn’t pay anything. If it did, I would be rich. I wake up between 6-7 am and leave for work around 7:30 to get there at 9. I’ll usually leave work at 5 and get home by 6 after an hour of traveling which is either standing in a crowded subway or sitting in traffic trying not to fall asleep at the wheel. When I get home, I try to wash the dishes and grab a quick bite to eat. Still weary from work, I sit at my computer, check my e-mail and begin. All my searching for gigs comes from the Internet (or as President Bush calls it: “Internets”). I visit about 30 acting websites that have casting notices. All of them are free except two. Backstage.com, the website for the well known acting resource, Backstage, charges $11 a month. ActorsAccess.com charges $2 for each e-mail to a casting director. I would rather these websites not charge people but I understand they have to make money. There are other sites which charge as well but I have found these two to be the most credible. If you have heard any different, let me know. For the ones that don’t charge and put up casting notices to help promote their or other people’s business . . . I LOVE YOU!!! Don’t ever change! (now I feel like I’m writing in a high school yearbook). Please! I don’t mind sifting through notices that much! Please stay free. Christ do I need money! I also keep a file called, “Last Checked,” which helps me keep track of the (duh!) last notices that I’ve checked. This prevents looking at the same notices and wasting more time. The biggest part about looking for work are sifting through notice, after notice, after notice, after notice (don’t even get me started about Craig’s List – Oi Vei - do they have a lot of notices) to see if a gig is paying (I only audition for paying gigs). Now in a perfect world the notice would list right at the top, “Pay” or “No-Pay.” Unfortunately this world is far from perfect. Looking for paying gigs through all these casting notices is like trying to find a diamond in a lump of crap. I look to see if producers will actually pay their actors instead of just working for exposure, experience, meals, credit etc. I plan to write to the websites to recommend they put whether a gig is paying right on the top of their notices. The most frustrating part is that most of the audition notices are for no pay. Some notices don’t even list whether or not they pay. This leads me to e-mailing them to ask if their production is paying. I even have a special e-mail saved to the “Draft” section of my Yahoo e-mail since this comes up so often. Most people don’t answer. The ones that do usually don’t pay. I search through these notices a lot of times for nothing. And each day that I don’t look for work, the longer it will take me to search the following day. So my work is never done. I finish searching the websites at around 9pm. Okay, let’s now add another 15 minutes due to bathroom breaks and phone calls. I am not even halfway done. After the websites, I search some FREE (Yay!) Yahoo groups. Searching through the Yahoo groups still requires the same amount of effort as the websites. However, this time I search through ads for Viagra, low cost pharmaceuticals and dating services. I also skim through internet arguments called flame wars. This brings me to a slogan I once saw that stated, “Arguing on the Internet is like running in the Special Olympics: Even if you win, you're still retarded.” I’m done searching the Yahoo groups. The time is around 10:30pm. I have resisted taking a break and lying down because if I did I would fall asleep until 6:00 the next morning. It has happened before and it will happen again. You still think I’m done? You’re wrong pal! Whilst searching throughout the mass of useless notices, I sometimes stumble upon gigs that (gasp!) PAY ACTORS. Whoa! With these bastions of hope I either e-mail them my headshot and resume (this is great since I don’t have to pay for envelopes, paper, stamps, staples, headshots, printer ink, etc). On a side note: TO ALL CASTING PEOPLE: Please have the option of e-mailing headshots. It saves me a lot of money. $$$$$$$$$ Anyway, I e-mail my headshots and resumes first. Then I start to “snail” mail (regular mail) my headshots and resumes. I type each address on a label file I have saved to my computer. Next, I print out the labels and stick them on 9x11 envelopes. I electronically cut my addresses from the label program and paste them on to a spread sheet file I call “Saved Addresses.” This is so I don’t send packages to the same address twice. I print out a corresponding number of resumes and bios each at one page. After that I staple the resume to the headshot, cut off the excess paper around the headshot so everything looks nice and neat. I put the bio and stapled headshot and resume into the envelope. Finally I seal the envelope with some tape, stick on a return address label, a PHOTO DO NOT BEND label and a 60 cent stamp. The time is around midnight and I am woozy. I shut down the computer, brush my teeth and collapse on my bed and joyfully (sarcasm alert!) look forward to this day to start again. Let me restate that I don’t do this everyday. If I did, I would jump out a window. I TRY to get this done everyday but each day brings up a different circumstance (gig, audition, plans, writing massive commentaries, too tired etc.). I have faced the reality that when I get home from my survival job there is just more work to be done. I envy a person who just goes to his/her job, comes home and watches TV or a movie and doesn’t have to do anything except relax. I don’t have that luxury. Not yet. I have officially turned into my father. When I was growing up, my dad would come home from a full day’s work only to go upstairs to his office and do more work until very late. At least my work after work is for something that I enjoy. Luckily I don’t have as much responsibility as he did back then (I can’t even be responsible for a plant right now). Thankfully he doesn’t work that schedule anymore. I can attest that he is a better and healthier person now than in the past. If a need for a survival job didn’t exist, I probably wouldn’t mind looking for work all that much. I would have something to do in between watching DVDs, sleeping and partying. So let’s tally up my time devoted to making money to live and looking for acting work: 7am – 6pm: Work to pay for food, rent, cable, electric, drugs, alcohol, cheap whores etc. 6pm – 12am: Looking for acting work so I can stop living like this. Oh look. There’s a wall. Let me bang my head against it. Ah, I feel better. Rules for Casting NoticesThis is an addendum to my commentary A Day in the Life. Today was an especially bad day of sifting through casting notices trying to find auditions for projects that pay. So in an effort to try to curb this epidemic of “pain in
the ass to read casting notices,” please follow this template if you plan to
post one: Type of project: Pay or no pay – if there is pay, state how much: Character breakdown: Contact info: It’s simple. We all have lives to live. Time is a terrible thing waste. A Train Wreck of a CommentaryOn Saturday, September 3, 2005, I participated in the recording of the commentary for a special edition of FEAR OF THE DARK. The crazy cast of characters on this commentary was as follows:
(writer/director/producer/actor/crew/editor/likely to die from stress etc.)
(caterer/crew/actress/wife of Glen/red head who pronounces “talk” as “tawk”/one of the funniest people I know)
(special effects artists for new insert scenes/owner of the house where commentary was held/creative consultant for the new version/likes to barbeque in the snow)
(composer/actor/crew/angry video game player extraordinaire)
(crew/actor/ intentional and unintentional stunts /cock blocked me going into a shower with Danielle Russo)
(actor/creative consultant/managing editor of Fangoria magazine/hates having a goatee/has seen almost every horror movie ever made/mentions the weather more than once during the commentary)
(actor/creative consultant to the new version/all around great guy who when made fun of by Glen during the commentary, comes back with a joke about his mother) This commentary was very unique to say the least. It consisted of seven people mostly talking over one another. However, this might be a positive quality since you can hear something new every time you listen to it. All you would have to do is drown out one conversation for another. The insults (all in a friendly manner . . . I think) flew through the air like snot from a sneeze as we all tried to be heard. Many tangents were made from pointing out product names that were easy to see to malfunctioning microphones. Speaking of malfunctioning microphones, Glen gave himself and Ed wireless lapel mics thinking they would be the best quality. After playing back the commentary we all realized they were the worst as Glen’s voice especially sounded like he was coming from another room. Ed’s voice sounded fine probably since the stationary mics picked him up. The stationary mics by the way, sounded great. After listening to the playback of the commentary I became overwhelmed by all the noise and chatter that my head almost exploded. What can be heard is pretty funny though. Just think of it as a group of friends who got together to talk about (and over) a movie. There was really no order as to who was to speak and what should be said. We just all let it hang out (as I did by accident during the bedroom scene with Danielle Russo – listen to the commentary to find out more). So I implore you, once FEAR OF THE DARK gets re-released don’t forget to listen to the commentary. Or as I call it, “a train wreck of a commentary.” While it may be ugly, even a train wreck attracts a crowd.
Sickness and SacrificeI dedicate this to Brian Spears who waits with baited breath for commentaries like this one. On a dreary Saturday morning, I was at an open call which, like many open calls, was an unorganized cluster fuck. The sign up sheet was ignored and people just started cutting the line which lead to some arguments, complaints and overall bad moods. On top of that, we were in a narrow, hot apartment building, and were admonished by both the tenants and the people running the audition for being too loud. The worst part was that I was under the impression I had an appointment. I was contacted a few days earlier and given a 2:30 p.m. time slot. Much to my chagrin, I walked into the mess at 2:00 thinking I was early. After about 25 minutes of waiting at the back of the line (which had not moved), I walked up to the front to see what was happening. When I got up to the front, I was told to line up by the front door if I had an appointment. So I lined up by the door. All of a sudden some actors started claiming they had an appointment, were running late for work and/or had to be somewhere. They were then given special treatment and told to move up to the front (this is when the arguments started). There were people behind me who said they had 1:00 appointments. I didn’t know if they were telling the truth. I even lied and said I had a 2:00 appointment instead of a 2:30 appointment. At that point, I didn’t care. I was up since 7:30 that morning (giving up a Friday night out) and in the city since 10 a.m. because of ANOTHER open call. I was drained due to the lack of oxygen in the hallway and the fact that I was wearing a heavy jacket so I kept my mouth shut and stayed at my place in line near the front door. Was I wrong to do what I did? Yes. Let he who is without sin blah blah blah blah. The “organizers” should have kept to the stupid sign up sheet and/or not had an open call on the same day that there were appointments. Besides, I DID have an appointment! I was in the room and auditioned at 3:00. After my initial audition (which was a monologue), I was given the script, told to look over the first four pages and come back at 3:30. I was given a call back. Yay! Call backs usually happen on a different day. So now there were people responding to an open call, with appointments AND call backs all on the same day and at the same time. I was lucky. There were some people there since noon. I assumed they didn’t have an appointment and were there before me. By 3:45, I performed from the script and was done. The average audition lasts around 2-5 minutes so I was originally expecting (due to my 2:30 appointment) to be out by 2:45. I ended up leaving at 3:45. All in all, it was not bad for an (unexpected) open call. After seeing the disorganization, some actors left. Most, like me, stayed. I have been at open calls where I have waited up to eight hours. This leads me to ask, “Why?!?” Why do we put ourselves through this? Why don’t we just leave? In his book, IN THE PIT WITH PIPER, professional wrestler “Rowdy” Roddy Piper writes about a “sickness” that pro wrestlers tend to have where they punish themselves physically and mentally for a business that treats them like garbage. According to Piper, “It [wrestling] was the perfect career for a misfit who for once in his life could fit in. I depended on wrestling for boosting my confidence, making my mark in life. It gave me honor, respectability and pride.” I also think that Piper was addicted to the adrenaline rush of performing in front of a crowd and the instant gratification that occurs when a job is well done. Perhaps to actors, the feeling of performing live, receiving praise after a movie screening, or being asked for an autograph is too good to miss as well. With aspiring (broke) actors, there is a question that lingers in the back of his/her mind that I call the “Dreaded What If.” For example, “What if this production is a hit? You never know. The few hours of uncomfortable madness would be all worth it if it’s a hit. This could be something I write in my memoirs or talk about on ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT while laughing about it in hindsight.” I would also be kicking myself if I had a chance to audition but didn’t for a show or a movie that later became a star-making vehicle. That God Damn BLAIR WITCH PROJECT! I wonder how many actors saw an audition notice for a movie that was to be shot on cheap digital video in the woods for three days and didn’t audition thinking it would not be successful. So the “Dreaded What If” latches on to my brain like the crusty barnacle on an old ship. THAT’S why I stay. Chances are, more often than not, the movie/play won’t hit or even get made. But there’s always that chance that it does. THAT’S what keeps me staying. Even if the production is not successful, I still have a good credit for my resume or even better, a good piece for my demo reel and/or maybe some money in my pocket that I earned doing something I love. See the logic? Sure you do! That’s why I have driven hours and hours away from my home just for an iota of hope that this sacrifice of time and money would be all worth it. A lot of times it’s not. But sometimes it is. And I learn to cherish the ones that do work (me with Light and Dark Productions), and hope they lead to more work that will start the ball rolling which would result in, “The Big Break.” Oh yes, the one part that leads me to the point in my career where I don’t have to temp or bartend anymore. Then it would all be worth it. Right? I was all set to go out one Friday night to Coyote Ugly with Mike “The Cheese Man” Valenzano. Before I would meet him at the fine establishment, I was to go and drop off my headshot and resume for a staged reading. I was running about a half hour late due to my work schedule on Long Island. I called Mike and let him know I would be late. He was a little perturbed that he had to wait at a bar by himself but he understood. I get to the studio to drop off my headshot and was immediately asked if I wanted to audition. I paused and thought to myself, “Oh crap. This will make me VERY late. (Duh)” For about a second I thought maybe I should leave and meet my friend to do what we had planned for a week. And then the sickness took over. The “Dreaded What If” made its presence known. I found out that people who had appointments were also on their way so I was told that the wait would be at least an hour. Double crap. I begrudgingly called back Mike and told him the bad news. After a few minutes of, “Oh Man. Son of a bitch,” Mike insisted that I audition. You see, Mike is an actor too. He probably has a little bit of the sickness as well. Mike understandably didn’t want to wait any longer so he ended up going home. I felt horrible for not hanging out with him. He was at Coyote Ugly and the surrounding neighborhood for over an hour by himself. He probably felt like a loser being there by himself. I know I would. Usually, in the normal world, people make appointments and give notice to not play with and wreck people’s plans. Not in this business. I have seen this business bring out the worst in people. Maybe it’s a power thing. I don’t know. A lot of times this business is totally last minute. I have received calls from my agents which would say, “There’s an audition for a print ad that pays $10,000. Can you be there in an hour?” Like a trained lap dog I bark, “Yes!” and head back into New York City after a 45 minute subway ride and a half-mile walk back to my apartment. One time I missed the ending of my brother’s surprise 30th birthday party so I could get back into the city from central Long Island (about a two hour commute) to complete a movie that subsequently was never finished. The plans to shoot on my brother’s birthday were made last minute due to the crew being unorganized and not finishing all the shots on the original day of shooting. Everybody from the crew to the other actors could make this one day (my brother’s party) except me. I sacrificed the tail end (and the most fun part) of my brother’s birthday so this “movie” could be finished. We shot and wrapped the rest of the movie that day and I never heard back from the producers of the movie again. Fuckers. They just didn’t care. They only cared about themselves and their horrible movie that will never be released. While I’m especially angry at this point, I would like to mention that some the crew members were drunk one of the days of shooting. Real pros huh? Nowadays, if I have plans, I try to stick with them. I still need to have some sort of life. My five-year-old cousin is playing Mrs. Darling in her school’s production of PETER PAN soon. Unless Lucas, Spielberg or some life-changing career move comes calling, I am NOT missing it. I’ve got to have priorities. There are dickheads in all walks of life. This business seems to thrive on being a dickhead. I have met a lot of them and I have only been doing this for five-and-a-half years. I observe these dickheads and try to make myself a promise that I will not turn into one. I only ask for people like you to point out to me if my head does start to resemble a penis.
So if you or someone you know is involved in
the decision-making process regarding auditions, films, plays, etc., just
remember that behind every actor, there is a human being who is trying to have a
life just like you, you selfish prick (just kidding
J
).
Night of the Crappy Subway Ride
3/16/05 Hello boars and ghouls and welcome to another fun filled commentary. This one takes you into the metropolitan bowels (huh, huh, bowels) of the Big (Cr)Apple, New York City. Now don’t get me wrong, I love this goddamn city. I grew up in one of its suburbs on Long Island and now live in one of its boroughs in Queens. New York City is so unique, diverse and welcoming while being unforgiving, brutal and honest all at the same time. What’s not to love? Since I love it so much, I have decided to point out some of its qualities to the people of the world who have yet to experience the city that never sleeps. Kind of like a bad stage mom. So hang on to your hand rails and ignore the stale smell of urine on the platform. I call this one, “Night of the Crappy Subway Ride.” I wrapped up a principal role in a Gap industrial (training video) for RuMe Interactive and LearnIt Solutions. I played a shoplifter and, along with two accomplices, I stole a bunch of shirts (women's shirts - pink ones - fabulous!). And I didn't get caught! Hahahahahahahahahahahah! The real story, however, begins with the ride home. The subways in New York City don't run frequently during late night hours (the industrial was shot after the store was closed). After waiting about 15 minutes, I realized (by looking at a sign above the platform) the train I was waiting for (the R train) did not run late at night. So I began to walk towards the F train which was the alternative to the R. I actually almost missed the F since it arrived as I reached the escalator. Like Indiana Jones evading a huge boulder, I ran down the escalator and jumped into the train. The doors should have closed before I reached the platform but a woman's heavy luggage was blocking the door. So realistically, I should not have been on that train. The car I ran into was pretty crowded. While listening to the conductor complain over the loudspeaker to, "C'mon people! Stand clear of the closing doors! We all want to go home tonight," I landed a much coveted seat. After sitting down, I realized why my side of the car was ESPECIALLY crowded. While reading the latest issue of Rolling Stone, I started to hear shouting from the other side of the car. A woman's voice was yelling something like, "What? Are you gonna spend time with this woman? Are you gonna be playing with yourself? No! I'll beat his ass. You gonna be playing with yourself?" Forgive me, I'm paraphrasing. I turned to the source of the noise expecting two people fighting. The time was around 1:30 am and sometimes there are drunk people at this hour disturbing every good hard working person on the stupid subway! Anyway as I looked to see what the hell was going on, I noticed there were plenty of seats on the other side. "Okay," I thought. "Who wants to be around people fighting?" I said to my tired self while at the same time wondering how I was supposed to wake up in a few hours for work. When I discovered the origin of this infernal yelling I wish I could say I was surprised. I wasn’t. This is New York Fuckin’ City Motherfucker! (I have to write Mayor Bloomberg to see if I can get that trademarked.) As my eyes locked on (not too long though, you should NEVER stare – it’s impolite – plus you could get your ass kicked) to the source of the racket, I noticed that the noise was coming NOT from a couple of people, but from one person. And Holy Crapoli, what a sight! I was looking at an overweight woman, with Don King like hair, wearing sweatpants, a sweatshirt and an unzipped ski jacket. She was face down, leaning on her elbows, taking up about three seats. While she was yelling, AT HERSELF, she proceeded to rip up pieces of paper and throw them on the subway’s seats. In all fairness, she wasn’t yelling at herself – she was yelling at the ripped pieces of paper. The yelling didn't stop either. I’m no doctor, but I’m assuming she was a schizophrenic or a multiple personality case. Regardless, a subway was one of the last places she should be. I tried to get up and go into another car but the doors were locked. I could have ran out of the subway while it was stopped at a station and get into a different car but I didn’t want to risk being locked out on the platform. If I was locked out I would have to wait a long, long time for the next train to arrive. I was freakin’ trapped. Just like a horror movie, I couldn’t get out of this undesirable situation. The best course of action I could take was to just keep on reading and try to ignore the mad woman. It was a good try. I couldn’t concentrate on a Bob Marley article while there was an obviously insane person not too far away from me. She could start swinging punches or have a weapon for all I know. Luckily, there were some people in front of me so maybe she would get them first. Nevertheless, if she did get to me, I would have to defend myself and that means I would have to touch her. Can you imagine the last time she took a shower? Ewwwwwww! My hand would probably smell for days if I had to grab this woman in self defense. So as I tried to get back to my article, I started to hear a loud banging sound. Maybe somebody dropped something heavy. I heard the banging noise again. “Just ignore it and it will go away,” I told myself. Unlike the crazy woman, I didn’t say this out loud. The banging started to get louder and more frequent. I looked over to Sigmund Freud’s wet dream and found out the banging noise was coming from her. However she wasn’t using the typical items in which to bang something like hands or feet. She was using her head. I don’t mean “using her head” like she started to actually think. I mean she was using her head to make the banging noise. With FULL FORCE, she was banging the back of her head against the wall of the subway. While sitting upright, she bent over forwards and slammed her head into the wall. Each bang was followed by a scolding to no one but the voices in her head. I’m assuming she was trying to get rid of them. When I’m frustrated, I always joke about, “banging my head against the wall,” but this woman was really doing it. Wow! As soon as she started to bang her head against the wall, the subway stopped. Not at a station but in the middle of the tunnel. The conductor gets on the PA system and states that there is a train in front of us and we will be moving shortly. At two o’clock in the morning the sucky subway is delayed. This happened TWICE! If there were a bunch of strippers on the subway giving out free lap dances, I’m sure it would have been at super speed. But since there is a schizo on board, life has decided to be funny. Well hardy friggin’ har har. Around this time and in between the banging noises I noticed my other surroundings. I am sitting across from a dirty Santa Claus looking guy who's grinning at the whole experience as well as a bunch of people also yelling (at least to each other) in some foreign language. I just want to read my magazine and go home. The looney woman is now starting to cry. I wonder why? Do you think it’s from banging her head against the wall? The subway FINALLY gets to my stop and I get off to transfer to ANOTHER train to make my way home. The end of the F line was about another 10 minutes away. At the end of the line, I think the men and women of the Metropolitan Transit Authority check the cars, make sure they’re clean of garbage and people etc. It must suck to be an MTA worker and find this crazy woman yelling and crying. Good thing they can contact the police. I would lock myself in a safe place until the great men and women in blue came to my rescue. Hey, that rhymes. After about 15 minutes of waiting, I get on the subway to travel one stop to walk home. As I walk on, I notice about three people lying across the rows of seats and one guy trying to shine his purple leather boots with his hands. I remain standing and get off at my stop feeling sorry for the “normal” people I have left behind. I walked about a half mile back to my apartment in the freezing cold. While walking in my winter coat, scarf, hat and gloves, I fantasize that if I ever become very rich, I will take a cab or even a limo back and forth to my acting gigs. I take the subway because it’s cheap. A cab back to Queens can cost up to $20 while the subway is still only $2. I’ve read some stories about famous actors who take the subway to observe or feel equal to us “lesser beings.” Wow. They are soooo brave. I wonder if these famous people would take a subway at 1:30 a.m., in the middle of winter, wait a long time and then be surrounded by potentially dangerous wackos who bang their heads against walls. As I reach the warmth of my apartment building, I look back on the subway ride and remember what two nice Spanish speaking women said while the maniac woman was screaming. They said, “Ay yai yai. Loca.” Loca indeed.
The Blood, Sweat, Tears (and More Blood) of a Low Budget Horror Actor
Reprinted from Blood Moon Rising #25 Winter 2005 Written by Mike Lane I recently finished acting in a horror short by Light & Dark Productions called No Trespassing 2: No Exit. I vividly remember sitting on a couch at the Inner Sanctum Haunted House at the Canopus Country club in Putnam Valley, NY, getting ready for my death scene-an axe to my head. During rehearsal, director Glen Baisley explains the cue for the killer (Gene Mazza) to burst through the door and kill me. The cue will be a certain line that I say. I must have my head in a marked spot on the couch so Gene knows where to strike with the axe. The “axe” is made with a balsa wood blade and a wooden handle. The fake weapon will actually be hitting the back of the couch that I am sitting on and not my head. I also must not move my head. If I do, I will mess up the framing of the shot. Gene, as any good killer would, is wearing a gas mask. Unfortunately, the gas mask has an obstructed view. Glen yells, “Action!” and the scene begins. Gene bursts out of the door and wields his mighty axe. Since his viewing is obstructed he misses his mark and hits me square on the back of my skull with the unpredictably hard balsa wood. The blade goes flying off its handle towards Glen. The back of my head begins to sting and throb. After apologies from Gene, the axe is repaired and Glen eventually gets what he wants after a few takes. During those takes I was nervous about the axe hitting me again but I couldn’t show it, because my character wasn’t feeling nervous. My death scene, however, is not yet finished. Gene, who is also the makeup effects artist, prepares for the next shot, which is the axe being pulled out of my head while blood runs down from the impact wound. I am proceeded to be covered in dyed corn syrup (the perfect blood FX) from the top of my head all the way down to my chin. The scene is filmed successfully but I will be needed for another scene later … about two hours later. Since I can’t walk around the location drenched in fake blood for fear of staining everything I touch, I do my best to wash the stuff off my face, chest, shirt and pants. The fake blood is incredibly sticky and messy. I wash my stained shirt with water from Canopus’ rest room sink and hang it up in front of a heater to dry. A few hours later I change back into my wardrobe (which has become stiff and crusty because of the sticky corn syrup and intense heat) and Gene pours a fresh bottle of blood all over me again. My final scene is shot and I get to clean up and relax. Soon after, I find out that I have to play a masked character since the original actor had to leave for work. As the masked character, I have to stand perfectly still and make pretend I’m a haunted house prop. That particular shot only took about fifteen minutes. Eleven hours after we started, the day is wrapped, another day for a low budget horror actor. I started to seriously pursue acting after graduating college almost five years ago. I always wanted to be an actor and working behind a desk for a living was something that had grown very unappealing to me as graduation approached. I had acted sporadically throughout elementary, junior high and high school, putting on skits for other students, and also performed, produced and directed movies for my high school film and TV classes as well. In addition, I also appeared in movies and skits made with a VHS camcorder for about four years. These movies and skits were mostly improvised. My friends and I made these movies for fun. We just started recording and tried to see where our improv would take us. I now have hours of footage that I am honestly scared to watch (mostly since I had a mullet in junior high and high school). I have been fortunate enough to stay busy acting-wise throughout the past five years working on everything from drama, to comedy, to horror, to “how to” videos. Horror, however, is one of my favorite genres in which to work. I grew up loving horror movies. One of my favorite movies of all time is the original Dawn of the Dead. I’ve had lead, supporting and principal roles in over 60 projects that include movies, theater, television, commercials and industrials. Twelve of those projects have been horror related. I enjoy horror movies not only from a fan standpoint but from a business standpoint too. Most horror fans are very loyal. If they like a certain movie they will let everybody know about it. Since the fans are so loyal, horror movies are usually the easiest low budget genre in which to land a distribution deal. As a matter of fact, Light & Dark’s latest movie, The Tenement (in which I have a lead role), recently landed a distribution deal with Brain Damage Films. I have also met some great people through horror. Horror fans, as evidenced by horror conventions, are almost like an extended family. Most of them are very nice people who are not quick to judge others by appearance even if they are full of tattoos, piercings and made up to look like a demon on crack. I’ve seen horror fans of all ages, races, and creeds happily socializing with each other. I have been shot, stabbed, beaten with baseball bats, buried alive and eaten (all make believe of course) since I started acting in horror. The application, shooting and clean up of a death scene may take hours while the scene itself may last only a few seconds. An actor having latex, fake blood and other types of horror make-up applied to him/herself cannot be impatient, claustrophobic, allergic (very important) and afraid to get messy. If the actor doesn’t mind getting a little dirty, acting in a horror movie is usually a very fun experience. However, being a low budget horror movie actor (as well as any type of low budget actor) is not always great. The pay, if any, is usually minimal. I have to work “survival jobs” like bartending and office temping to make ends meet. My acting career does not allow me to work a regular job. My survival jobs must be flexible enough so I can take off at a moments’ notice in the event of a last-minute audition or acting gig. Enduring huge cattle calls, rejection, broken promises, working hard on a movie that ends up being erased, a movie that is never finished, never receiving a copy of a movie, a producer/director who doesn’t do anything with their movie once it is finished, nepotism, politics and liars are just a few setbacks of working in the low budget world. Remember when I wrote that I’ve had lead, supporting, or principal roles in about 60 projects? Well, out of those 60 projects, I have received 20. My “payment” for some of those projects is supposed to be copies of the projects themselves. If not for the learning experience, the time spent on these debacles is completely wasted. I only audition for paying gigs now, but I have also worked on movies that have promised to pay me but never have. The crap-flavored icing on the very smelly cake is that acting is extremely competitive. There are only a small percentage of actors who actually make a living only from acting. A person who wants to be an actor must deal with these (and many more) setbacks, learn from them and move on. After my 11 hour shoot, I take a quick nap and drive an hour and a half home to get ready for work the next morning. This survival job requires me to literally make thousands of photo copies for the whole day. I am college graduate with a degree in marketing. If I had decided to get a regular marketing job after college, I would easily be making a lot more money than I am now. But I know wouldn’t be happy. In fact, I would be miserable and full of regret, and that’s really no way to live. I can comfortably state that I would rather spend another 11 hours on the No Trespassing 2: No Exit set than work any permanent office job. So, when you see me on screen covered in fake blood, and playing dead with a shocked look on my face you will know that on the inside I am smiling because I’m doing what I want to do, which is living my dream. www.lightanddark.net/MikeLane.htm http://www.lightanddark.net/pr110.htm - No Trespassing 2: No Exit’s webpage.
Mike Lane on
the Putnam County Film & Video Festival
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